insecuritiess ... & my best friend.

to start off, i wanna say that my best friend is gorgeous. and because of her having the body i'd love, having the eyes that could make anyone smile, and having gorgoeus hair .. my insecurities go through the roof. and it doesn't help that my boy friend seems to think she's just as gorgeous. and we've recently started working out together, and that scares me because that means she's going to only look better. see, she isn't stick thin. she has that figure eight body girls die for ... litterally. so i'm trying my best to remember how beautiful i am, and i'm also trying to remember two girls can be beautiful!!!! but it's hard. sometimes when i get around her i feel like i'm disappearing. and tonight i made my boy friend promise me he wouldn't leave me for a prettier girl .. or any girl for that matter. lets see if he keeps it. i love him to death ... but sometimes ... sometimes i just don't know. it's going to be hard remembering that i can be beautiful at any size. but her having the size i want, blah, it makes me jealous sometimes. and so i'm going to say the things people shouldn't .. i'm kinda jealous of my best friend = i hope this feeling goes away. because it's not fair. blah. i have problems... right!? good night blogging world. thanks for letting me express myself without judgement ;)

working on myself .. inside & out.

so a few days ago i made the choice to loose weight! yay me! right? i just didn't realize how hard it was -clears throat- okay so i knew. because this wasn't my first, second, or third attempt to loose weight ... actually it's abotu the 15th thousand.. but anyways, i've committed to it hard core. it just ALWAYS seems like something comes up. perfect example monday: we we're on our way to the gym and i got a ticket on a car i haven't used in 2 12 months (long story, another blog) so we went by my moms job to give to her. while we were there it started to down poor. so we get on base and the rain only gets harder so we return home. tuesday: we were suppose to go to the gym but me nor taylor could manage to get of bed ontime to go. after throughout the day there were so many reasons i couldn't ... i had to take care of my mother. WEDS! we finally went and i felt amazing! after i believe i wanted to also change my eatting habbits. so i went to farm fresh, made a salad, and enjoyed it. thursday i'm not sure why .. but we didn't go. i believe we went friday, and we went yesterday. but we didn't go today, so i did a 20 min little workout in my living room listening to my favorite music and can i mention i loved it!? im also cutting back on some foods .. yay me! right? SIKE! i miss chocolate already. and this not eatting after 7 thing is killing me. and it doesn't help that my lovely mother is trying to loose weight. but all that is working on myself on the outside. but i also want to work on myself on the inside. because i want to love who i am no matter my size, weight, or height. loosing weight is half the battle if i can't love myself for who i truly am. i want to work on my attitude with my family, and my friends. i want to feel more secure about who i am. and i've actually started by giving myself little compliments here and there ... and it works. somedays i look in the mirror and i see such a beautiful young lady. and other days i look in the mirror and see a fat lard with a hudge forehead, face and cheeks. but that's normal ... right? well regardless i'm going to bring in the new year sexy and confident. after all i'll be 18, a senior, and a brand new women (:

i'm ready!!!!!!!!

so .. i'm really ready to shed thiry pounds. and, just to clue everyone in. i've had this urge to loose weight for about five years now. at one point or another i was successful .. and then failed again. but now, i'm in a my senior year, i'm about to be 18, and i have a great boyfriend ... so why not add something else to my list of news & loose weight. i mean, i'd be healthier, and i'd feel better about myself. i've gottten some really great tips on it too. so i'll be blogging everyday, many times a day because i'll need all the support i can get. my family, my friends, and my boy friend support me. me and my best friend go to the gym together. my boyfriend is a great cook, and i'm sure if i ask him to cook healthy he will. and my other friend alexis loves walking. so i have every resource i need to loose weight. the only thing stopping me -- is me. & i'm tired of making up excuses why i can't loose weight. so wish me luck! i love myself now ... but i'll be healthier & happy then (:

another good day.

i had another great day! except today was spent alone. i had some time to think about the things that are really bothering me ... things that i needed to change, work on, and most importantly self acceptance. i love myself. my eyes, my smile, my body, even my feet. cause they're cute (: i'm a size 1820 & i'm not ashamed of it anymore. i'm going to start working with what i have & making it fabulous! because i am fabulous! and i love it! i have a great family, a loving best friend, and an amazing boy friend. there is one problem though, that has been holding me back. a few days ago i saw the boy who took something away from me that meant the world ... my virginity. and seeing him again, it took me back to a deep dark place that it took me so long to get out of. after a few days of sleepless nights and talks with montez .. i realized i'm bigger & stronger then him. and i refuse to let him take anything else from me. and so i decided to get myself backk. the fly, sexy, i don't give a shit what you think onee. & i'mma be happy. and live my life. because i'm done living for other people. i lost to many years living up to everyone else standardss ... i'd much rather just be janel<3

a great day!

i had an amazing day with my mom, sister, her booface, my boy friend, and my best friend ;) ma made my favorite meal .. which is chicken & rice. then we watched a movie & i fell asleep holding his hand. & i had a nightmare & sqeezed his hand .. only for him to sqeeze mine tighter & rub my leg. i felt safe (: then we went & met my grandma. that was fine .. until me & her got into a little tiff. which led to me & him getting into it. but then we solved it. i love him so much. and i think my love grows for him everyday. i would've never thought in a million years that i'd end up with montezbrown. this time last year if you would've told me that i would've laughed & said you're crazy. me and my dad aren't getting along. i'm going to his house for the weekend & i'm not all that excited about it. but oh wells you have to do what you have to do ... right? today was an overall good day. and i'm really happy. plus my baby is moving back (:



goood nightt!

blogging again.

it's been forever since i've blogged. i use to blog everydayyy, and then i just got busy. but blogging helps me get things off my chest, so i decided to start again (: welpp, today was pretty much boring. i've had massive cramps ALLDAYY! so i've stayed inside and laid down. and because it was rainy and crappy outside, i didn't get to see my baby! i cannot wait until my car is fixedd, and i can't wait until i get a job because:

- everything in virginia beach cost money
- i'll need money for gas
- with my own car me and my mom won't argue
- i'll be able to see montez whenever i want too
- with money we can go places
- i can go out to eat
- buy things i really want
- not have to rely on anyone but meeee!


blahhh. things were so much easier when i had a job! but i have faith that i'll have a job soon, right!? i hope sooo.